Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Miss Yvonne's Battleship Is My Bitch

This weekend I will be traveling to Dallas to see Depeche Mode. No, this is not an invitation to loot my house. I have a security system, nosy neighbors and something else akin to the trap that Kevin MacAllister set in Home Alone for the bumbling Wet Bandits. And you CAN'T be the Wet Bandits. You have to be original if you are going to loot my house. Seriously. I'm sure you can have some sort of low rent bandit brainstorm to come up with something else.

Other than seeing the BEST BAND THAT EVER EXISTED AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE THEY DO, THEY ARE THAT AWESOME, SO AWESOME THEY HAVE TO BE FREAKING HOLOGRAMS, I'm going to do something else that is high on the awesome scale.

I'm going to meet this chick


I know.

Already, I've made a huge mistake and given her my cell phone number for purposes of "hooking up", and I mean for freaking lunch, pervs. It's a huge mistake, because armed with the knowledge of my digits AND that I had a low battery yesterday, she went into full attack mode and sank my texting battleship.

At one point it looked like I might have won the war when her battery was low and I got a text that read "ur fault" which was the sign that she was totally attacked on her way to the car and her mostly dead phone died just as the attacker was nailing her with a foam sword and taking her measly $3 cash for meth to suck up their noses through penis straws.

Turns out I totally didn't win though, because she lambasted me with bullshit until my phone was beeping for mercy. She? Is such an asshole.

In making plans for lunch, we tossed out the idea of a salad bar in a strip club. Regardless of the sneeze guard, we're just not sure how much the state of Texas is really doing to protect us on this one.

My next mistake was letting her know the hotel I would be staying at. Mostly, because I'm sure she is the owner of a Billy Idol lip curled clown mask that will be peering into my peep hole at all hours of the night.

She thinks I'm teaching her to air punch, but no. Because a properly air punching, Billy Idol, lip curled, clown mask would be way too much for my heart to take. My heart has way too much strain as it is hauling all this massive cool around.

Really, I've said too much, because at this point, I'm mostly positive that I'm ahead in this weird little scoring system she has for who has officially sunken whose battleship.

Seriously? No points for being gross. Even if you were BORN that way. Pshaw... You kiss Captain Carl's mom with that mouth?

And your cat DOES dance in your panties for your renter. I know it.

Basically, what I'm saying is that you all are going to be so jealous and mostly upset that I'm not recording what will invariably be either the most rad conversation that ever existed, or the catalyst for what will finally drive Jason AND Captain Carl over the edge.

And no, Miss Yvonne, just because your husband has a bad ass name does NOT mean you win. Quit being all givey with points to yourself.

Your battleship is my bitch.


Gypsy said...

I'm terribly jealous about the whole Depeche Mode thing. God, I love them. They are saaaaaaaaacred.... hooooooly.

As for the whole getting together with another blogger thing, I can't talk to you about this because the other blogger is not me and my head will explode from jealousy. And we wouldn't want that, now would we?

rachie! said...

ya'll are both awesome and I'm wishing I felt like driving 4 hours north to Dallas this weekend, even though you didn't invite me or anything. GAH!

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm totally kicking your ass in texting battleship. You pretty much just have one ship left, and it's that really huge one that is easy to find. I'm totally pirate laughing at you right now.

I can't wait to meet you in person, so we can talk about our blogs and our stupid text inside jokes and then I can watch Captain Carl look confused the whole time because he has no idea what I'm talking about, except that you're the blogger that thinks his 110% arm is awesome.

Jill Himitsu said...

I'm so totally fucking jealous that I can't even comment.

PS. I love that Blogger tells us to 'choose an identity'. I choose Ms. Marvel. Ohh oh! I want to be an X-Man. Or can I just be Deadpool? Okay. I'm Deadpool.

punxxi said...

heheheh, that's why you get 2 cell phones...trac phone is for giving to strange people. You will proly have a most excellent adventure.

Logical Libby said...

I love Depeche Mode. It's nice to know there are safe places on the Internet for me to admit that.

And I think Miss Yvonne's renters are really just multiple personalities. Check that out, will you?

Annabelle said...

This may prove to be your best weekend ever. Have a blast.

Deb said...

Totally jealous.

MiStY said...

what a great weekend ahead...have a BLAST! you two together is going to be SCARY...but in a good freakish kind of way ;)