Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Welcome to Hoboville, Population: Who Will Pay Me First

The mister and I own a couple of places we like to call "rental property". We call it that because that is what it is. In the last two months we've had the fantastic fortune of having both of our places go without a tenant, at nearly the same time, unexpectedly.

Let me give you some advice. Don't rent to family. Just don't. Because even your sister won't hesitate to break her lease if she wants to buy a house. And you will feel more than a little bad about kicking your sister in her lady box when you have the initial, "thanks for screwing me" reaction.

It's bad for family dynamics.

Also? Just because someone is a martial arts expert, doesn't mean that he is an upstanding individual. It just doesn't. And I was going to have the guy who told us "I moved out yesterday, by the way" teach my son about discipline. Oh but it does stop you from getting all up in their face and demanding yo money when you realize he can break most of the bones in your torso.

Just sayin'. I like my torso.

So what happens after they move out? What happens after the initial raping of your bank account? Well then, its time to find new renters.

And if you think for one minute that the finest weirdos come out on the internet, you've never seen anything until you see what emerges from "For Rent" signs posted on street corners. A little bit like low income Night of the Living Dead.

But with more beer cans and large dogs. And many, many, many grubby faced children.

So far? My favorite prospect is the guy who takes care of his niece and nephew because their parents are incarcerated. And I'm not even playing here. He seems awesome.

At eight o'clock this morning Jason got a call. The first thing he heard was the crack of a beer can, followed by a burp. And then? The slurring happened.

I'm not entirely sure how it all went down, but all I know is that "Drunk Mike" wants to sell us a house for $50,000 and then buy ours for $60,000. Now I know I was never the best at mathematics or even just understanding things, but I don't see how this benefited Mike at all.

I'm pretty sure it's a drunken triangle scheme. Mostly because I can't figure out how it works, what the benefit is or why this guy called to begin with.

It is my assumption that he just tripped on the sign with Jason's phone number on his stumble home. I think he meant to call for help.

And Jason thought the people with four kids, wanting to live in our two bedroom on $1600 a month income was a loser situation, or that it was a bad sign that we were getting numerous "Do you take Section 8?" calls.

Look, I know I look like an asshole here. People have to live, they have to make bad situations work, they just don't have to do it in my house. I'm kind of crazy fond of renters that are more than one step away from hobo-ville.

However, I'm pretty sure we're going to get rich quick if we just stick with "Mike".

Also? I asked Jason if he thought it might be one of our dad's calling.

He didn't even laugh as much as he said it at the same time I did.

18 comments:

Miss Yvonne said...

At least your renters aren't living in the same house with you...like mine are. Although it is kind of like a science experiment to see how weird people are.

Tell Drunk Mike "holla!" from me. He'll know what it means.

Lisa..... said...

Reasons why renting seem scary. My friend rents a room out and I keep waiting for her to get a roommate who tries to go all single white female on her.

rachie! said...

You should tell DrunkMike that you've got an even better deal - he pays you $10,000 and you both just keep your respective houses! Yes!

Gypsy said...

One thing my father swears by with his rental units: never rent to students. He doesn't say anything about hobos, though.

Logical Libby said...

Maybe you could rent them to the state as low level prison housing. Then you can charge more, and have guards watch after them.

Jill Himitsu said...

Makes me glad I don't have a family on my side. Ha ha.

It would scare me to break a lease. But, then again, I actually care about my credit and whatnot.

Will said...

ave family with rental property who strictly adhere to the no renting to family rule.

Rassles said...

I love my apartment. Love it, love it, love it. I love my super. I love my landlord. I love the style. I love my neighbors.

Been here for three years. I got fucking lucky.

Also, don't buy cars from people you know or sell cars to people you know. It will only end with blame and yelling.

Solanaceae said...

We don't rent to family or friends or people who try to sell us on the idea of using their sweat-equity to pay the rent. I'm like Jesse James ... Pay up sucker!!! but seriously ... I know people gotta live somewhere but just because we have rental property doesn't mean we are rolling in the dough, we have bills too. It just kills me when people assume otherwise ... like the guy who couldn't pay the rent because he had to buy Christmas gifts for his mother and girlfriend. I think I woulda take Drunk Mike (holla) over him any day. Maybe not so much...

punxxi said...

We always give renters the option of cleaning when they move in for 100 bucks off the 1st months rent...they usually jump at that, then they can clean to their level of comfort instead of my over-pickiness. :o)

IB said...

These stories, and others like them, are what keep me from purchasing "investment properties". That, and money.

IB

for a different kind of girl said...

I find not enough polite blogs use the term 'lady box.' I thank you for speaking my language.

flutter said...

I don't really think you look like an asshole, here, at all.

Hissinggoose said...

I'm sitting in the dark, laughing my ass off and nodding my head. It probably looks like I've totally lost my marbles, but hey, nobody is watching, right? Anyhooo....the people that want to rent from you seem to be the same *winners* that came to buy my junker car. I didn't realize that KC and BC had a time/space warp thing going on.

Lolly said...

GROSS. I couldn't be a landlord because I would be so selective that I'd only rent to someone who is way too good to be living in my rental property.

That Chick Over There said...

Oh hons. When we were trying to rent Jason's condo a few years ago it was a nightmare of nightmarish proportions. Good Lord.

We ended up selling it, but that took some time. For the first four or five years we knew each other we had at least 2 house payments going all the time and that so sucked.

MommaKiss said...

My mom and sister got into a mortgage together. Not good at all. Sister is a total DB, but that's beside the point, we all told Mom not to do it. Anyway - I fully agree, Family should never mix business with insanity. Never.

Sweet Mama Jones said...

people ARE scary...i work for a real estate office w/ rental prpty. totally off the hook weirdo's call every 15 minutes. all i can say for the section 8'ers is that its guaranteed money. just not guaranteed good housekeepers unless you find the mom trying to escape the hood for the sake of her kids scenario...then you have gold. wish u luck!