Thursday, September 3, 2009

Ralph Macchio Better Get To Working Out, This Barrel Ain't Going To Jump Itself

I'm coming to understand AND come to terms with the fact that:

1) I'm totally misunderstood
2) I'm obviously a genius
3) I'm a totally misunderstood, obvious genius that is about to rock your world

So now you're probably sitting there and you're all, "Well yeah, she's misunderstood. I mean have you read this shit? Who WOULD understand it." And to that I say, "Dude, quit being a dick. No one likes you anyway!"

Many times in my mostly adult life, I've had dreams that play out just like movies. And if I had half a brain I would have woken up and instantly put pen to paper (because this is obviously 1950) and written a screenplay right then and there.

But I never have.

Last night though, it wasn't a movie that I created. I created two television shows, right in my little head.

No, that was not the Earth moving, that was you, totally impressed by me. Quit acting like it's something new.

In retelling the dreams to my husband this morning I sort of realize that I've got one total winner and one kind of loser. And chances are, the loser would be the one to make it to the air waves. But seriously, I'm about to lay some wicked awesome on you.



So the Awesome Show would just absolutely HAVE to be on G4. It has kind of a Ninja Warrior-esque feel to it, but get this:

It's a dance competition. There are TONS of those right now, I know. However, this one has a twist. It's a dance-off in a Karate Kid tournament like setting but? And this is the best part. It's played out on Donkey Kong like levels.

I'm talking ladders, monkeys, barrels. Holy shitness! Hosted of course by Ralph Macchio looking JUST LIKE THIS:

Well a hybrid of that actually. Because I want to take his old man face on the right and put the stupid young kid expression on the left on it and top it off with that headband. I still want to call him Daniel LaRusso, but I'm pretty sure we have to let him be Ralph to host the show.

Yes I do scare myself, why are you asking?

And Mr. Macchio, we have to call him this, he's mature now, will be totally shouting at you from a set that looks a little like this:

Think of the lead up to the premiere of each season. I mean, COME ON!

So like those conceptual geniusi (more than one genius for you non-geniusi) that NEVER make it very far on Project Runway but seem to tromp all over, making foam on everything on Top Chef, I get that this could take a little getting used to. Fucking A Badness like this doesn't happen every day.

Well... it does in my head.

So, to soothe the masses, I'm pretty sure that CBS is going to pick up my next show that I dream-concepted and add it to their Monday night line up. Because with Two And A Half Men and How I Met Your Mother I picture y'all to be watching:

"Stacy and the No Shirt Guy"

Of course there is a spin on this right? I don't dream-concept the mundane. Stacy is ONLY in the premiere episode. The main character is No Shirt Guy. His name is actually something like Mike or Bill... maybe even Ryan. The pilot episode is Ryan on a first date with Stacy and through a series of mishaps and no real fault of his own he ends up with no shirt on.

And in every episode he ends up on some date that was set up in a quirky manner and he always ends up being No Shirt Guy.

I know.

Not as awesome and frankly I'm confused, but whatever. I'm sure it'll fly.

So there you go.

I am a freaking genius.

And just to help you get a visual here, I'm giving you Ryan Reynolds shirtless, who obviously ended up this way through a series of high jinx mishaps (because he has on a snorkel and he's supposed to be on a date, High Jinx)... Or I just Googled "Ryan Reynolds Shirtless" and was then overwhelmed by the results. Seriously? Y'all need to find something to do.

Uh yeah, I think we know that Ol' Mr. Macchio might not make this cut, eh?

Ryan, put a shirt on. GROSH! Sigh. He's not half as good now as he was on Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place, right?

Oh and to please you guys too. Here is his wife shirtless:


Gypsy said...

I keep wanting to pull the bottom of that magazine down to get a glimpse of the goods. Just a liiiiitle further.

Also, I would totally watch an obstacle course dance off. I hope they all wear leg warmers.

Jill Himitsu said...

Dude, I would totally watch either of those shows. Especially if Ryan Reynolds was shirtless in either of them.
Do you remember that game, I don't know the name of it, but it looked like DK and you had to build burgers? Bun, patty, lettuce, tomato, bun... you know. I would watch people dance through that, too.

But seriously? Ryan kinda looks like someone glued velcro to him. Wax, already!

rachie! said...

2 guys a girl and a pizza place rocked.

Dancing babies. That is a fabulous idea that I'm giving to you for free. Because your donkey kong kung fu dancing show needs more schtick.

Miss Yvonne said...

No way are those his real abs. Come on! I could wash my underwear on that stomach.

Great, now I know what MY next dream is going to be.

P.S. Poor Ralph. I was hoping he would have buffed up in the years since karate kid and then we'd be all "Holy shit, did you see that picture of Ralph Macchio? Damn, Gina!".

Lolly said...

I don't like dancing shows but I think I'd watch it if it were Donkey Kong style.

Annabelle said...

Poor poor Mr. Macchio. Its good of you to give him the work. Do you think you could work in a dance off between him and Scott Baio for sweeps week?