Monday, August 17, 2009

Look, God, I'm Pretty Sure We Can Cut a Deal Here. Mostly, Because This? Is Horseshit.

A couple of things happened recently that are causing me to mark the scoreboard accordingly:

Gawd: 2
Ms. Jones: 0

And in case you missed it, I be Ms. Jones, I don't know who this B-e-t-s-e-y person you are talking about is.

Firstly, my mother called me fat in my birthday card. Because looks of disdain and judgy-er-ness were not enough. She decided to send the very best. Actually, she made me swing by her house and grab my own birthday card off her mantle, but look, fatass beggars cannot be choosers.

I accept this. Fine. I'm fat and you don't run a birthday card delivery service. The good news is that Dad put $100 inside the insulting card. I mean, if you're going to insult your children, pay them off so they don't totally blow you into their therapists right?

Too late, bitches. Oh and my therapist has concurred, I'm this way because of YOU. Ha, so take that. Yeah, who is judgy and looking down her nose now? (Hint: It's probably me, although I'd much rather look down my ass at you than my nose, but somehow, that seems difficult.)

I kind of have to take one of those points back though and then go on to protest too much when I say, ha! In yo' face because I stopped giving a shit what she thought like, uh, last year. Which is why I don't really produce any tears when the only one in my family to actually contact me ON my birthday was my sister via text. I just kind of make the ugly crying face and rock myself to sleep.

All in all, the joke is on everyone else, because at my largest, I strangely feel more attractive than I've ever felt before. I, honestly, believe that my jeans still fit, they just don't want to admit it right now. They? Are also lying, rat ass, bastards.

But really? I actually did cover all of this years ago in REAL therapy. Not the kind I now make up in my head, in which Gabriel Byrne tells me I'm perfect and it's the world that is comprised of totally jacked up assholes. I also tell him about how I'm obviously destined for greatness but I keep getting distracted by changing blog URL's constantly. Real therapy - which I could afford, before I had children.

My children.

More correctly, my child, just the one... He's very, erm, giving. Let's go with giving. Because when you clean your little, tiny, perfect precious ears out with a Q-tip and then sweetly place that Q-tip back in the box, I'm sure you're not betting that is the one your mother will pull out and then wet with her tongue to get that tiniest bit of mascara off her otherwise flawless make-up.

You would nevah! Right, kid?

Right. So Gawd, there are your two points and ha ha, the joke IS on me.

I know this because I also just burned my tongue on a delicious, yet cardboardy Lean Cuisine which made me yelp and drop it on the floor, where the boss' asshole dog greedily scooped it up.


Gawd 3
Ms. Jones 0


J said...

Remind me to look first before I clean my ears at your house. Or lick Q-tips.

I am glad to see you here, Ms. Jones. Now I just want to sing the Counting Crows.

"When everybody loves you, oh, son, that's just' bout as funky as you can be......"

Redneck Mommy said...

Chimera. Love it.

Damn. Your mother and my mother must be bitches separated by birth.

They can collectively kiss both our fat asses.


Randy said...

I made it. Where do you want want's left of the dishes in this box. I fell off the frackin tailgate thank you very much....

I'll just sit over here and enjoy the silence (wink wink nod nod) till everyone else gets here.

cozzie laura said...

I think your sister just came and stayed at my house, er, sponged offa us for a week.

Not only did she actually say, "there was this fat lady there, well, not super fat, just fat like you." She then proceeded to tell a dinner party that we didn't like each other when we first met because she was the pretty and popular girl, and I wasn't.

Re-evaluation necessary much?

Ginny said...

Do you ever have a day when you're all, like, "I wonder if I'm the only person in the universe who knows what ear wax tastes like."?

Question answered.

Lisa..... said...

Ginny, haven't we all had those ear wax Harry Potter jelly bellies?

Therapy is totally something I should. And not just because at my LARGEST, I am totally not feeling attractive. But then again, I don't have kick ass headbands like you.

Miss Yvonne said...

My Mom told me when I was in college that I was "letting myself go". This from someone who has been obese for most of my life.

Well I showed her. I went and got even fatter. So there Mom!

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Some days you're the hydrant, right?

Buck up, buttercup. :-)

for a different kind of girl said...

Reading this makes me think that, thanks to our moms, we are kindred. My mom won't write that kind of thing, but she can speak volumes with an eye roll or a Look O' *Really?!* Shall we bump bumps?

flutter said...

I certainly hope your bday card called her fat right back...

Sarah said...

Miss Yvonne - too funny!

Here's my having-a-crap-mother-on-my-birthday story: my mother once sent me a "Happy 28th Birthday" card.... on my 30th birthday. Oh yeah, I just remembered another: One birthday we all went out for dinner and half way through the meal she said, "What are we celebrating?" and then at the end of the meal kept insisting that I not pay for her.

Gypsy said...

My father once gave me a barmitzvah card. But he was just being funny.

But that ear wax thing? Ew.

Annabelle said...

If you can't handle the Lean Cuisine then for god's sake stay away from those Hot Pockets.

I think I'm going to like your new place. It already feels like home.

Elizabeth said...

Birthday's suck, I have just recently come to realize this. My Mom procrastinates, so I always had to plan my own parties as a kid. And anyway, when you are born the week of July 4th, no one comes to your party anyway.

So... what does ear wax taste like?