Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Beginning Of The End Of Awesome

Monkey had been gone, visiting her relatives in New York. For a month and a half, gone baby gone.

When she returned she had the customary massive amounts of luggage that she drags back with her, bursting full of clothes her grandmother has doted upon her with. It's good to be Monkey.

The suitcases sat in our entryway for several days. Thrilled to have her home, but busy with things weekdays busy you with, I let it sit there.

I took a quick peek inside to see what she got and what she still needed for that fashion show runway walk that is the first week of school. The weekend before school started we took her to fill in the missing pieces and to find that first day outfit that would surely set the tone for the entire year. The outfit that would make or break my baby's entire fifth grade existence.

When we got home, Jason told her to take her suitcase in her room, along with her new clothes and unpack and organize everything that made up her wardrobe.

Arms hung at her sides, hiney hiked up in the air and a sourpuss that indicated she was just informed that her very existence was TOTALLY RUINED, she stomped off down the hall to the room that I had spent three and a half hours reorganizing just days before.

After a moment, I followed her down the hall and cracked her door. "Hey Monk? You just got totally spoiled, so try to ditch the 'tude and have fun with your new clothes okay?"

I've never actually seen a sullen AND blank look until that moment. I was obviously a complete asshole. How dare I stand there all... assholey like that?

I skulked back the living room, put in my place. How dare I? Seriously? I have some mothering nerve!

Then she stomped out of her room and slunk down the stairs to acquire more hangers. As she pounded back up, her look still giving away the fact that she is forced to live in this Shitsville of a house, Jason stopped her.

"Hey Miss! Your mother and I just took you out and got you all kinds of nice things. Your attitude needs to get lost, like now!"

"But... I don't... I mean.."

"You heard me! You knock it off. Straighten up and FLY right!"

She dirty looked him and stomped off again... As her back turned I looked at Jason and silently mouthed, "straighten up and fly right?" with a quizzical smirk.

As her door shut, hard, he looked at me,"God..."

"Yeah babe, you really just said that. So tell me, do you feel like my dad or just SOUND like him?"

"Shut up."

"Hey I think a teenager just drove fast down the street, you better go yell at him to slow down! Oof, is that a footstep on our lawn? Go get 'em!"

I think he may have hiked his hiney in the air and stomped off then. I'm not sure. I was too busy wondering when I married Dad.

13 comments:

for a different kind of girl said...

The myth of my coolness totally evaporated - POOF! - the first time I actually told one of my kids "Because I said so, mister, that's why!". Yeah. I did it. I knew I was a lost cause the moment my hand reached for the kid's bedroom door to swing it open, but by then, whatcha gonna do? Other than stop yourself and retain your cool, I mean.

I miss it.

Pam said...

Sadly, my kids are only 5 and 2 and I'm pretty sure cool has flown the heck out of here already. Only, I think it is me who is turning into my dad....that.is.scary!

IB said...

I think if I tried the "straighten up and fly right!" line, I'd be ridiculed into next week.

I'm going to stick with my standard: " Knock-that-shit-OFF!"

Lisa..... said...

I just wrote a bunch and deleted.

But that story made me laugh a little in the middle of this shitty day.

Johanna said...

I don't know - was it the time i threw out the - "cry-i'll give you a reason to cry"...the "because I said so thats why"...threating to take the door off the hinges if its slammed again or my most recent - take a step back and re-examine the situation. Picture a 5 year old slamming the door, I put my hand on the doorknob and thrust the door open I tell her - "you call that a slam, let me SHOW you how to slam the door" and proceed to shake the top level of the house. Oh my parents are so proud..and my hubs thinks I've morphed into my mother & father (shudder).

Mxzylpt said...

So THIS is what I have to look forward to? I am totally gonna use "straighten up and fly right" though. That's gold right there.

Rassles said...

I don't even know what that means. And I never got to go shopping for clothes. Because to my mom, if they covered what needed to be covered, I was fine. I should not care about clothes, according to my mother. Win people over with my charming and not at all angry or bitter personality. No t-shirts, I must wear a shirt with a collar under any sweater or sweatshirt. No you may not wear flannel shirts to school, you are not a lumberjack. Who is Kurt Cobain and why are you wearing his obituary as a shirt? Throw that away now.

And now you all know why I abhor fashion.

rachie! said...

soooooo glad I have a boy. I think 1 monkey is enough for me. (I do actually call him monkey boy).

MiStY said...

HEEHEE...you go mr jones ;)

my grandpa would stand in his front yard and yell to the people running the stop sign "ALTO YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!". i can't wait to do the same!

Hockey Girl said...

Welcome to tweenville...been there done that..now I am entering the akward age of my 15 year old daughter entering High School! Help!

Annabelle said...

My dad always said "get that stupid look off your puss". I just giggled.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Wow. My Punk already does all this stuff. I'm fucked.

But I think you had it right the other night when you made a comment about how your daughter is yours and mine is mine. Makes so much sense.

Kelly said...

I'm already getting 4 year old attitude...I just hope my daughter doesn't throw the earth off it axis with the magnitude of the eye rolls.

Yesterday, I said "Because you're not the boss, I AM THE BOSS" to a 4 year old. I rule.