Welcome to Hoboville, Population: Who Will Pay Me First

The mister and I own a couple of places we like to call "rental property". We call it that because that is what it is. In the last two months we've had the fantastic fortune of having both of our places go without a tenant, at nearly the same time, unexpectedly.

Let me give you some advice. Don't rent to family. Just don't. Because even your sister won't hesitate to break her lease if she wants to buy a house. And you will feel more than a little bad about kicking your sister in her lady box when you have the initial, "thanks for screwing me" reaction.

It's bad for family dynamics.

Also? Just because someone is a martial arts expert, doesn't mean that he is an upstanding individual. It just doesn't. And I was going to have the guy who told us "I moved out yesterday, by the way" teach my son about discipline. Oh but it does stop you from getting all up in their face and demanding yo money when you realize he can break most of the bones in your torso.

Just sayin'. I like my torso.

So what happens after they move out? What happens after the initial raping of your bank account? Well then, its time to find new renters.

And if you think for one minute that the finest weirdos come out on the internet, you've never seen anything until you see what emerges from "For Rent" signs posted on street corners. A little bit like low income Night of the Living Dead.

But with more beer cans and large dogs. And many, many, many grubby faced children.

So far? My favorite prospect is the guy who takes care of his niece and nephew because their parents are incarcerated. And I'm not even playing here. He seems awesome.

At eight o'clock this morning Jason got a call. The first thing he heard was the crack of a beer can, followed by a burp. And then? The slurring happened.

I'm not entirely sure how it all went down, but all I know is that "Drunk Mike" wants to sell us a house for $50,000 and then buy ours for $60,000. Now I know I was never the best at mathematics or even just understanding things, but I don't see how this benefited Mike at all.

I'm pretty sure it's a drunken triangle scheme. Mostly because I can't figure out how it works, what the benefit is or why this guy called to begin with.

It is my assumption that he just tripped on the sign with Jason's phone number on his stumble home. I think he meant to call for help.

And Jason thought the people with four kids, wanting to live in our two bedroom on $1600 a month income was a loser situation, or that it was a bad sign that we were getting numerous "Do you take Section 8?" calls.

Look, I know I look like an asshole here. People have to live, they have to make bad situations work, they just don't have to do it in my house. I'm kind of crazy fond of renters that are more than one step away from hobo-ville.

However, I'm pretty sure we're going to get rich quick if we just stick with "Mike".

Also? I asked Jason if he thought it might be one of our dad's calling.

He didn't even laugh as much as he said it at the same time I did.